


Needing You

by LucindaAM



Series: A Day in the Life [25]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Finds Out, Depression, F/M, FLUFF EVENTUALLY, Happy ending (because I can't write any other way), Heavy Angst, Light Swearing, Like more than when Steve found out, Multi, No Smut, Thoughts of Suicide, like i said, pretty angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28903368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaAM/pseuds/LucindaAM
Summary: Bucky's been doing so much better. He's finally forgiven himself for everything he did under HYDRA's thumb. He's even starting to forgive himself for every time he's hurt you and Steve.Too bad fate doesn't give a damn.In other words, Bucky finally finds out the secret you've been keeping from him. Heavy on the Angst.Trigger warning for depression and thoughts of suicide.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Series: A Day in the Life [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1946242
Comments: 209
Kudos: 89





	1. Now You Know

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go. (Again.)
> 
> This one goes out to all you guys who've been on this adventure since the beginning. Love you!

Your back slammed into the mat for the dozenth and you glanced up at Bucky and grinned. “If you wanted me on my back, there were other ways to ask.” You teased. 

Bucky grinned as he reached down a hand to pull you back to your feet. You moved to slip into your fighting stance again, but Bucky’s grip tightened on your hand and he pulled at you. You crashed against his chest and his other arm wrapped around your waist, keeping your arms pinned against his body. All in all, not a bad place to be. 

Bucky’s eyes heated as he looked down at you. “Don’t think I’d need to use words, doll.” He murmured. 

Your heart skipped a beat as he lowered his lips and pressed them gently against yours. Almost three years with him, and he still gave you butterflies. 

You pulled away and smiled at him. “We . . . uh . . . we should go get ready . . .” You struggled to find the right words to go with your swirling thoughts. What you really wanted to do was forget the night altogether. Maybe lock Steve out of the apartment . . . you were sure he wouldn’t mind. You could always make it up to him later . . . 

Bucky grinned as though he could feel the direction your thoughts were heading. He leaned down to press a gentle and lingering kiss to your lips. “You should go get ready, doll. I want tonight to be special.” 

Your voice was husky with lust as you reached up and ran your fingers through his hair. “It feels pretty special to me already, Sarge.” 

Something positively caught fire in Bucky’s eyes, and you could see the war he was waging within himself. You slowly reached your hand down, stroking his chest as you slowly moved down, fanning the flames like the devil you were. 

Bucky groaned and the next thing you knew, you were alone and he was standing on the opposite side of the gym with a wry smile and a pointed finger. “Get ready.” He ordered. 

You groaned knowing what you really wanted was going to have to wait but did find it in yourself to give him a lackluster salute. “Sir, yes, sir.” You teased. 

Bucky groaned again and sauntered away while you headed to the showers. 

A full night off with one of your boys. 

You couldn’t wait. 

Bucky couldn’t stop the grin that was crawling up his face. He had been planning this date night for months and he couldn’t wait to show you what he had planned. He’d been working overtime with his therapist, trying to overcome the lingering guilt he felt whenever he thought about the people he’d hurt during his time under HYDRA’s thumb. Not to mention the guilt he felt whenever he remembered the way he’d hurt Steve . . . and you . . . 

Bucky shook his head and focused on his breathing as he ruthlessly pushed those thoughts away. Instead, he clung to his plans for tonight. He wanted to show you the man he’d once been and the things he used to do. Every alley he’d ever found Steve knocked out or beat up in, those were on the tour too. Bucky grinned at that thought. He had a feeling you’d especially love hearing those stories. 

Bucky neared the communal kitchen and the smile slipped off his face slowly as he listened to Steve and Natasha quietly talking in low murmurs. 

“I can’t keep this a secret, Natasha. It’s eating at me.” 

Bucky came to a stop just outside the room, listening hard, his eyebrows furrowed. What kind of secret would Steve be keeping? 

“It’s not up to you, Rogers.” Nat reminded him. “And there’s a reason you’re doing it. Remember that.” 

Steve sighed and Bucky could hear the weariness in his voice when he next spoke. “I know, Nat. I know. Bucky can’t ever know about the baby.” 

Bucky’s heart froze in his chest. 

Steve’s sad voice continued, completely oblivious to the hell that was playing just outside the kitchen. “It would kill him if he knew. I can’t do that to him.”

Bucky crashed against the wall, a million thoughts racing through his head as he tried to fight the reality that was swirling towards him. But in the back of his mind, he  _ knew _ what Steve was talking about because he’d suspected all along.

The day they’d triggered him, the day that he’d almost ended your life, you’d been pregnant.

And he’d killed the baby.

His eyes flicked to his hands and all he could see was the memory of them covered in your blood, your broken body lying beneath him. He’d done that.

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice called at him through a haze of nothing and Bucky glanced up in time to see Steve and Natasha rush out of the kitchen. Bucky shook his head and backed away, tears streaming down his face. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides but there was no escaping it. He could see the heartbreak on Steve’s face and knew that this wasn’t some nightmare you’d be able to pull him out of.

He’d done this.

He’d hurt Steve.

He’d hurt you.

He’d . . . he’d killed your child.

He was a monster.

And there was only one place for monsters like him.

He turned around, spun on his heel, and fled.

Steve moved to chase after him but Natasha grabbed his hand and pulled him back. “Don’t.” She warned. Her gaze narrowing on Bucky’s retreating back.

“What the hell, Romanov?” Steve grit out, rounding on her.

Natasha rubbed at her chest. “Y/N. She needs you.”

Almost as though her words had summoned it, a blinding pain shot through Steve’s chest and he collapsed to the ground, panting hard.

Nat sucked in a pained gasp above him and gestured down the hall. “Go!” She ordered, her eyes wide with fear. “Go! I’ll stop Barnes!”

Steve didn’t question her again as he took off in the direction he could feel his connection with you pulling.

“Stay with me, stay with me, doll.” He begged, feeling your connection begin to flicker. If you blinked back to your world, Steve wasn’t sure even the connection you shared would be enough to pull you back.

Steve reached for that connection and gripped it with everything he was worth as he ignored the blistering pain welling up inside of him and followed it towards you. “You can’t leave me. Not yet. Stay with me. Come on.”

Steve didn’t hesitate as he burst into the locker rooms, frantically searching for you. He wasn’t prepared for what he found.

You were lying on the cold tile. Your wet hair was splayed around you as you convulsed violently. Blood was pouring through your nose, coating your face and your hair. All of that was terrifying, but Steve was able to steel his nerves as he rushed to your side and turned you over.

Steve let out a gasp and scrambled backwards as your wide, unseeing eyes stared back at him. They were white as the fallen snow, no color to be seen. You were gone.

No one was home.


	2. Search Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I have no control, and also because I like to celebrate the arrival of new stories with double helpings of chapter (more cuz of the second one than the first one, I'm sure) have an extra chapter today on me!

Steve glanced at you. His hand was frantically squeezing yours, desperately searching for even the slightest twitch of your fingers. So far, nothing. 

Dr. Cho was at a loss for what was happening. _“She’s got enough brain function to keep herself alive without lifesupport . . .”_ She’d said.

 _“But?”_ Steve had asked.

Helen had a fumbled for words. Something Steve had never seen her do before. _“But . . . she’s . . . I’ve never seen anything like it before . . . it’s like the spark of what makes her, her, isn’t there anymore.”_

Steve had looked at her with hopeless eyes. _“Where would she have gone?”_

Helen had looked at him with a worried expression. _“That’s the question. One we must find the answer to. Her body is keeping itself alive for now but I don’t know how much longer we can keep it that way.”_

A quiet knock on the door pulled Steve from his thoughts. He glanced up to see Natasha standing there, a blank mask pulled tightly over her features. “How is she?” She asked quietly.

Steve shook his head and turned his attention back to you. “The same.”

Natasha nodded and snuck further into the room she came to stand on your other side. “Helen says her . . . soul . . . isn’t here anymore?”

Steve nodded slowly as he pressed your knuckles against his lips.

“Where is her . . . soul . . . then?”

Steve glanced at Natasha and for the first time since she’d met the man, she could see a true helplessness burning in his gaze. “I don’t know, Nat.” He murmured. “I don’t even know where to begin looking.”

Natasha swallowed hard and fought against her own sense of hopelessness. The friendship that the two of you had forged had been bathed in blood, sweat and tears. You had never been through the red room itself but you’d come from your own red world. Your strengths had been forged in the fires of hell just like Nat’s had been. You were one of the only people she truly claimed as family anymore. She couldn’t lose you.

Natasha reached a shaking hand out to Steve and laid it comfortingly on Steve’s shoulder. After a second, he reached up and placed his own hand against hers.

Natasha curled her other hand against her chest where she could still feel pangs of your pain ripple through her. “Can you use the anchor connection to pull her back?” She whispered.

Steve shook his head. “I’ve been tryin’. It . . . there’s something wrong with it. It feels . . . broken.”

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. “Barnes.” She hissed, pulling her hand away from Steve so she could pace nervously around the room. 

Steve pushed to his feet and glanced at her in shock. “Bucky wouldn’t have done this.” He said, gesturing at your comatose form on the bed. “Whatever he’s goin’ through, he’d NEVER hurt her.”

“But he did. Didn’t he?” Natasha asked, rounding on Steve.

Steve couldn’t say anything in response.

Natasha’s fingers curled against her chest again and Steve’s eyes flicked to them knowingly. “He . . . he broke his connection to her somehow and . . .”

“Broke her?” Steve scoffed. He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. “She had one connection before we found Bucky. It was enough then and assuming you’re right, it would be enough now.”

Natasha glanced at Steve and rubbed her chest. “You sure about that, _Rogers_?” She asked. “How much of an anchor can you really be with a broken chain?”

She turned and walked out of the room. Steve may not have believed her, but it didn’t matter. She could feel it all the way down to her bones. Bucky broke you and he was damn well going to be the one to put you back together again.

She wasn’t going to lose you.

“Stark!” Nat called, walking into his lab.

Tony poked his head around the latest suit of armor he was cobbling together. “Red. What can I do for you?”

Natasha cut right to the chase. “Y/N is missing. We need to find her.”

Tony immediately set his tools aside and pulled up a window in midair. He started running logarithms. “I thought she was in medbay.” He murmured distractedly. “She blink away?”

Natasha shook her head and came to stand beside the inventor. “Her body is still here. Her soul is who knows where. We need to find it.”

Tony froze and blinked as he tried to process the information. 

“Well that’s a new one.” He murmured.

He sighed and stepped away from the screens. He ran a hand over his face before he wrapped his fingers over his chin, lost in thought.

Nat resisted the urge to push aside and try and do it herself.

Eventually, Tony glanced at her with a look of regret on his face. “I don’t think I can do what you’re asking me to do here, Romanov. Locate a _body_ anywhere in the world? Sure thing. You can’t get a cup of coffee without being picked up on at least three separate security cam’s. Don’t get me started on the traffic cam’s. But a _soul_? I don’t even know where to begin looking.”

Natasha nodded shortly as her mind scrambled to come up with another plan.

“Fine.” She said. “You can’t find her soul, fine. I have someone else for you to track down.”

“A flesh-and-blood person this time?” Tony asked wryly.

Natasha’s hands curled around her biceps and dug into her skin. “Mostly.” She agreed. “Find me Barnes. The bastard better hope he can fix what he’s broken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone's in trouuuuuuubleeeeeeee both in the story AND in real life.
> 
> Let's just say one of you readers gave me a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea a little while ago and it's about to get used. *Evil laugh*


	3. Don't Give Up

Steve walked through the hallways and back to the apartment lost in a sea of thoughts, none of them good. Since waking up in this new world, and even before he went down with the Tesseract, he’d felt the world on his shoulders. It seemed even heavier now.

He ran a hand down his face as he approached the door. Memories swarmed him as he ran a hand over the heavy wooden frame. He remembered laughing with you when Bucky had made the last one harder to break out of than Alcatraz. Steve chuckled when he remembered the look on Bucky’s face when you had simply teleported away. Bucky had forgotten  _ that _ little ability. Luckily for him, or maybe just for you, a few locks had never gotten in Bucky’s way before. Not when it came to you. He’d completely torn through the door when you and Nat had run an experiment gone wrong on him to test his response time to you. 

The new door was much sturdier as a result.

The smile quickly faded off his face as he was brought back to the present. Steve sighed heavily as he pushed the door open and moved like a zombie towards the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of water and twisted the lid off before he set it on the counter and braced his hands on either side of it. Steve’s head dipped low as a wave of surrender shot through him. Abruptly, Steve let out a yell of frustration and swiped at the open bottle of water. Water sprayed around him as the bottle flew through the air and crashed against a wall, but Steve wasn’t done. He swiped an arm across the counter and knocked your laptop, his sketch pads and Bucky’s notebooks to the ground. He reached for the fruit bowl and tossed all the fruit against the wall, trying to feel  _ anything _ as it splattered against the wall. A burning rage burned through him and he glanced around for anything else to destroy. He needed to . . . needed to . . .

Just as soon as the rage swept through him, it died. Steve collapsed to the ground his shoulders shook as the sobs he could no longer contain welled up within him and burst out. You had always told him that he and Bucky were your anchors. But you were wrong. You’d always been his and now you were gone and he didn’t know what to do. There was no bad guy to hit, no villain to vanquish. There was nothing he could do but pray that Helen could keep you alive long enough for you to save yourself. Heaven knew  _ he  _ wouldn’t be able to. 

“Steve.” The voice was quiet.

Steve drew in a shaky breath, but kept his head bent, his chin pressed against his chest. “What do you want, Romanov?” He asked. He didn’t feel like he had anything left to give.

A hand reached out and rubbed against his shoulder comfortingly. “We’re going to get her back.” Nat’s voice was tired, but determined. Steve could hear the certainty in her voice but had to brace himself against the hope that threatened to well up in his chest in its wake.

“How?” He asked, looking up at her.

Nat’s eyes held an ire that had Steve cowering backwards in surprise. “We’re going to find Barnes and we’re going to have him call her back.”

“Nat . . .” Steve started, already shaking his head.

Nat shook her head and moved her hand to press it against Steve’s chest as she crouched in front of him. “She might have tethered herself to you both separately but she tethered you both to each other too.” She started. Her eyes flicked up Steve’s again. “Together we can call her back.” Nat said firmly, fully trusting in her own words. Her free hand stretched up and rubbed at her own chest and in that moment, Steve realized what had been in front of him all along.

“She’s connected to you too.” He breathed, his eyes widening slightly.

Nat nodded slowly. “To all of us, I suspect.” She agreed. “But she  _ needs _ you and Bucky.”

“We have to find him.” Steve said, pushing to his feet as a purpose finally presented itself. He instantly fell into Captain mode as he compartmentalized the fear that threatened to drown him and the sorrow that he might already be too late. He wiped at his face and pushed his shoulders back. “Leads?”

Nat nodded as she slipped after him. “Tony found one. He’s looking for more but we should act fast.”

Steve nodded. “Quinjet. Ten minutes.”

Nat nodded and slipped away to prep. 

Steve paused in the hallway and took a deep breath as he rubbed against his chest. Mentally, he searched for the broken shards of connection that tied him to you and he pressed a hand against them. “Stay safe, act smart and hold on, doll. We’re going to figure this out.” He gave himself only a second to feel the connection that was you and then he pushed everything out of his mind as he stalked towards the quinjet. He would get you back. He had to.

You stood in the middle of the yard. Wind whipped your hair around your shoulders as you stared off into the distance. In the back of your mind, you could tell that something wasn’t right but you just couldn’t figure out what it was. Your thoughts felt hazy as they drifted in and around your head.

Something pulled on you and you rubbed at your chest absently. An unsettling feeling like you had just forgotten something important rolled through you but was just as quickly forgotten as you tipped your face up and basked in the red tinged sunlight rolling through the sky.

“Mama!” A little voice called.

You turned your head and saw a dark haired, blue-eyed little boy run across the yard towards you. He slammed into your legs, a brilliant smile plastered across his face. “Hi, pip.” You murmured, crouching down so you could run a hand through his messy hair.

“Mama, you gotta come see! Come on!” Your son grabbed at your hand and tugged you towards the house.

You laughed as you followed after him. “Where’s the fire?”

You son laughed and started babbling about whatever it was he was leading you towards. For just a second, and in between the excited words of a child, you thought you heard something whisper through the breeze. “ _ Stay safe, act smart and hold on, doll. We’re going to figure this out.”  _ Then your son smiled up at you and you couldn’t help return his smile as he led you towards the house. 

You were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, before you kill me, let's just take a deep breath and read the tags again. XD


	4. Finding Bucky

Steve flicked open his compass and ran his fingers over the picture inside of you and Bucky. It had always brought him a sense of comfort whenever he’d had to go on missions without one or both of you. Now though, now he wanted to rip Bucky out of the picture entirely and tuck your smiling face back inside, alone. 

Steve grunted as the part of him that had been best friends with Bucky for almost a hundred years reared its ugly head and stopped him from doing just that. Instead, Steve settled for moving his thumb to cover Bucky’s face so Steve could look at yours uninterrupted.

“We’re five minutes out.” Nat called from the cockpit.

Steve tucked his compass away without another thought and headed up front. “Do you have him yet?” He asked, glancing at the controls Nat was navigating.

“I've got a hotspot. Too hot to be anyone average.”

Steve nodded his head, his jaw ticking. Nat eyed him warily.

“You good?”

Steve glanced at her and nodded sharply.

She shook her head. “I need to know if you’re _good,_ Rogers.”

“I’m not going to kill him.” He said quietly. Nat glanced at him unconvinced. “We’d never get her back if I did.” Steve added.

Nat pondered the carefully worded sentence and felt the smallest twinge of sympathy for the man she’d once known in the red-room but just as quickly, she hardened her heart. Bucky had hurt _you_ and that was unforgivable. Or at least, it would be if he couldn’t fix it.

Natasha set the jet down in the middle of an empty field. Steve glanced around. “Where is he?” His words were terse and to the point. There was no room for anything else. He had one mission and come hell or high water, he was going to do it if it killed him.

Natasha gestured towards a small grove of trees towards the edge of the property. “Down there.”

“Secret entrance?” Steve grunted, grabbing his shield.

“Rabbit hole.” 

Steve did a double take but Natasha just grinned grimly. “Come on, Alice. He’ll have heard us.”

Steve nodded and followed Natasha out of the jet. The two moved silently and with all the grace of two professionals who knew each other’s tells better than they knew their own. Natasha was the first to reach the clump of shrubbery. She holstered her gun and reached out, knocking on a few trees until she found a hollow one. Without sparing Steve a glance, she reached up and pulled one of the branches downwards. Almost instantly, the sound of gears grinding echoed around the otherwise silent area around them and a door slid away from the ground below them, revealing a ladder down into the depths of the earth.

Steve glanced at Natasha. “Safe house?” 

She hesitated before she shook her head slowly. Her knowing eyes held a hint of pain that Steve was all too familiar with. The leather grips on his shield creaked as he choked them. He knew Nat well enough to know that she wasn’t going to say anything else about the subject but he also knew her well enough to know what she was saying without words.

Not a safe house then. A base. For HYDRA.

Steve nodded once. “Let’s go.” He murmured.

He kept his shield on his arm, ready to fling it up for protection even as he started climbing down the rungs of the ladder. He strained his ears for any sign of movement in the long-abandoned base, but he found nothing. A nervousness starting tugging at his heartstrings.

Steve jumped the last few feet as he reached the bottom of the ladder. His landing echoed around the space and seemed amplified by the otherwise silent hallway.

“I have a bad feeling.” Natasha murmured as she landed behind Steve almost silently.

Steve nodded his head, the sense of dread only growing stronger. 

He made a few motions with his hand before he and Nat slowly started creeping down the hallway. The further they got, the more he could hear the steady thumping of a single broken heartbeat. Steve swallowed hard as another noise joined the heartbeat and the sound of a spinning cylinder in a revolver echoed eerily.

Steve raised his shield, covering him and Natasha as the hallway came to an end and they stepped into a large open room. Dim lighting flickered from the abandoned lights above them. It painted everything in a dingy grey that made the hairs on the back of Steve’s neck stand at attention. 

Bucky sat, hunched over in one of the few functioning chairs left in the room. His metal fingers spun the cylinder on the gun again, but he otherwise made no other movements. He didn’t even seem aware of their presence in the room.

“Bucky?” Steve asked carefully, eyeing the revolver nervously.

Nothing.

“Buck?” Steve tried again. “Are you with us?”

Bucky shifted in his seat. The gun in his hands shook with the effort it took for him to raise his head.

Steve sucked in a horrified breath and the grip he had on his shield lessened for the first time since he’d gotten on the jet. 

Bucky looked like hell. Dark bags lined his eyes which were bloodshot and swollen. Blood coated the side of his face from a wound that Steve couldn’t see. He’d been gone less than a day but it looked like he hadn’t eaten in weeks his cheeks were so sunken. 

“Bucky . . .” Steve breathed, taking a step towards his oldest friend in the world, everything else forgotten.

Bucky shook his head and raised the gun with shaking fingers. Behind him, Steve heard Natasha aim her gun in Bucky’s direction. He had a feeling she wasn’t aiming to wound.

“Stay back, Steve.” Bucky whispered hoarsely. “Just stay back.”

Steve could see the fight brimming in Bucky’s eyes as his finger tightened around the trigger. He knew Bucky didn’t want to hurt him.

“Please, Buck. Just put the gun down.”

Bucky shook his head and whatever war he’d been waging against himself shifted abruptly. Before Steve could blink, Bucky had shifted the gun, the barrel now pointing at his own temple. “I said, stay back.” Bucky’s voice was filled with tears and sounded so lost, Steve could have sworn it broke his own heart entirely in two.

“I can’t do that, jerk.” Steve murmured softly, as he lowered the shield to the floor and held his hands up slowly. “I can’t abandon you. Not again.”

Bucky shook his head, fighting against the memories that were threatening to swarm in a hell-hole so similar to all the ones he’d been kept in in the past. “I hurt her.” He said, his voice breaking. “I . . . I killed . . .” He couldn’t even get the words out.

Steve shook his head vehemently. “It’s not your fault, Bucky. It’s not.”

“It _was_.” Bucky cried.

Steve shook his head firmly and took a step forward. “It may have been your hand on the weapon, Buck. But it wasn’t you. It was never you.”

Bucky’s eyes were glued to Steve’s face, desperately clinging to one of the only people he loved on God’s green Earth. 

“Please, Bucky. None of us blame you for what happened. I don’t. Y/N doesn’t. We love you.”

“YOU SHOULDN’T!” Bucky’s voice was loud and grating, verging on manic as he pushed to his feet. Natasha flicked the safety off her gun.

Steve knew he was running out of time. He didn’t know what to do. Hell, he didn’t know what to say! He needed you. You and Bucky had always had that unspoken connection. You knew each other on a level no one else could ever hope to. 

“She needs you, Bucky.” Steve murmured, pulling on the only hope he had of pulling Bucky of the ledge he was on. “She’s dying. You can feel it, can’t you?”

Bucky sucked in a breath of air and held it. Internally, he reached for the frayed ends of the connection the two of you shared and his breath left his body in a rush as an image of your comatose body flooded to mind. 

Steve was right. You were dying.

And it was all his fault.

Bucky slumped in his chair. He pressed his hands against his temples as he chanted over and over to himself. “No, no, no, no, no.” He sobbed.

Steve took another step closer, keeping a close eye on the gun still gripped tightly in Bucky’s hands. “She needs us, Buck. Please don’t let her slip away.” Steve took another step closer. “Please help me save her.” He took one last step until he was just in front of Bucky’s hunched form. He reached over slowly and gently pulled the gun from Bucky’s fingers and tucked it into the back of his pants.

Bucky let him.

The sobs continued to wrack Bucky’s body as memories of you flooded his mind. Of the connection you’d had when he’d first come to the compound, hopeless and alone. Nursing you back to health when you were sick or injured, your bravery in the face of war, your kindness in the face of depravity, your smile, your kiss, your smell. Without him knowing it, you had become his whole world and he knew one thing without a shadow of a doubt.

The world may have moved along just fine without Bucky Barnes but it would not survive without you.

Bucky swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that still wanted to fall. He could practically sense the gun in the back of Steve’s uniform, calling his name and begging to be used. He was just so damn tired of fighting it all. So damn tired of being the monster that everyone said he was. He could end it all now and oh, how he wanted to. 

But he couldn’t.

Instead, Bucky gathered every last ounce of fight he had in him as he sucked in another shaky breath and pushed to his feet with Steve’s help.

“I’ll save her.” He murmured.

Steve smiled at him and patted him on the back before he led Bucky back to the jet with Natasha trailing behind.

All three of them ignored the unspoken words that rang just as clearly as if they’d been spoken aloud;

“ _A_ _nd then I’m going to finish what I started.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're all thinking it. Let me just say it:
> 
> Dammit Lucinda.
> 
> Here's the thing - I thought long and hard about the state of mind that Bucky would be in upon learning that he'd hurt the love of his life so bad she'd miscarried and there was just kind of no way around this kind of scene. He's . . . well, devastated isn't even a strong enough word for it. 
> 
> But all is not lost. Fear not, dear readers. I'm a merciful author and I REALLY HATE sad endings.


	5. Paradise Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I needed a bit of a break. But I'm back now baby!
> 
> Are you ready to continue? XD

Bucky closed his eyes and pulled on his connection with you. He focused on the feel of you, ignoring the jagged edges and broken feel of the connection. Hazily, an image of you appeared in his mind's eye again. Your body lay comatose on a hospital bed, your vitals slowly dropping with each passing hour. You weren’t going to survive like this for much longer.

Bucky ignored the catch in his throat at the thought and tuned out the quiet whispers of Steve and Nat as the three raced back home. Instead he focused even harder on the connection that forever tied the two of you together. Instinctively he reached out in an effort to trace it back to its source. His brow furrowed and his fingers drew blood as they curled around his knees. He squeezed his eyes shut and focused on the part of you that was  _ you _ . He felt himself get swept away in a sea of thoughts and feelings and he let himself fall without an ounce of hesitation. 

“Where are you, doll?” He thought. “Please let me in. Let me find you.”

He tugged himself further and further along the connection. He passed dozens of thoughts, feelings, memories and he still didn’t let himself stop.

Bucky’s head felt like it was going to explode but he pushed onwards, determined to find you.

“Bucky? Shit! Bucky! Nat! He’s bleeding!” Steve’s voice sounded distant and distorted. It pulled on Bucky’s subconscious, trying to bring him back, but he fought against it as the sound of your laugh echoed somewhere nearby.

“Doll! Doll!?” He screamed.

There was a brief moment of hesitation and then your voice sounded. “Bucky?”

Just like that, there was a flash of light and for a brief shining second, Bucky saw you. You were standing on your broken and dead world as Dire Wraiths crept towards you. Slowly, one turned around and faced Bucky. Bucky gasped in horror as the face of a little boy with his eyes and nose and your smile turned to face him.

Before he could process any of it, Bucky slammed back into reality.

Steve hovered above him, his face pale as he struggled to help Bucky sit up. “Buck? Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened?”

Bucky felt something sticky running down the front of his face and he reached up only to find his fingers stained red with the blood that was dripping down his chin. “I’m okay.” He murmured weakly, staring at the sight as though he didn’t understand it. 

Steve chuckled weakly. “You don’t look fine, Buck.”

Bucky shook his head and pushed to his feet. “It doesn’t matter. We need to go.”

“Go?” Natasha asked, eyeing him warily. “Go where?”

“Her world.” Bucky murmured. “Her soul is on her world.”

Natasha and Steve exchanged nervous looks. “We’ll just pull her back.” Steve said, turning his attention to Bucky again. “We’ve pulled her back before, we can do it again.”

Bucky shook his head and closed his eyes, the image of you surrounded by the monsters that had killed your friends and family still fresh in his mind. They were . . . they were posing as your new family. He just knew it. That little boy . . . somehow Bucky knew that would have been the child the three of you had raised if only he hadn’t murdered it in cold blood. “She . . . she’s not going to come this time. Not willingly.” He murmured, tears springing in his eyes. The little voice in the back of his mind that never seemed to go away cackled with glee. “ _ All your fault _ .” It chanted. “ _ All your fault and now she’ll die _ .”

“What are you talking about, Buck?” Steve asked gently.

“She’s . . . she’s stuck there, Stevie and the monsters, the real ones, they’ve got her right where they want her.”

Steve jaw ticked. He wanted to argue, but he didn’t have it in him. He had never fully understood the connection you’d shared with Bucky and that had never bothered him before. In fact, it gave him a certain amount of peace that the two of you had found something to hold on to in each other. That’s how he knew that Bucky wasn’t lying now. Steve shuddered as the few memories he had of the monsters on your world flashed through his head. He swallowed hard at the memory that was clearest of all. One of the creatures, posing as you, smiling brightly right before Bucky put a bullet through its head.

“What can we do?” He sounded just as broken and tired as he was. Steve had carried this secret for so long and it had finally done what you’d always feared it would; it had torn the three of you apart and Steve just didn’t know what to do anymore.

Bucky wasn’t much better but lucky for both of the super soldiers, this was one fight they weren’t alone in. “Stark sent you to her world once, didn’t he? He can send you again.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Steve had known him long enough that he knew exactly what he was thinking. “It’s different this time.” Steve said quietly. “We won’t be able to drag her back with us.”

Nat shook her head. “You won’t need to. She just needs to remember what it is she’s fighting for.” She looked at both Steve and Bucky pointedly.

Bucky ducked his head in shame.

Steve and Nat let him.

As the jet neared the tower, Nat sighed. “Come on, let’s see if Tony has any ideas.”

The trio walked into the lab and found Tony running at least a dozen different programs. “Stark?” Nat asked.

Tony glanced up at them. His eyes sifted over Steve and Nat’s faces before he caught sight of Bucky who was keeping to the edges of the lab as though he was going to need a quick escape. Tony sighed. It was no secret that he and Barnes had never gotten along, but you had worked some kind of magic over the past few years and Tony had seen the love that Bucky was capable of when Bucky let himself believe in it. Out of everyone in this room, Tony understood Bucky in a way that no one else really did. After all, they both had to live with the knowledge that they’d hurt people. Bucky just had the luxury of knowing he wasn’t in his right mind while doing it.

That being said, Tony had forgiven Bucky a long time ago for what had happened to his parents. He just didn’t know how to say it out loud.

A few seconds passed as he tried to say what was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t form the words. Eventually, he sighed again and turned to the screens. “I couldn’t pinpoint her. Even my technology has limits.”

Nat nodded. “Barnes says she’s on her world.”

Tony nodded thoughtfully. “Makes sense. If you two Ken-dolls are what keep her here physically it makes sense that if she wasn’t tied to her body anymore she’d bungee-jump right back to her world.” 

Tony made a few hand gestures and a globe appeared on screen. “J?”

The globe spun a few times before it came to a stop. “I can’t locate her energy, sir.”

“What does that mean?” Steve asked.

Tony shrugged. “Either she’s not on her world.” He said, gesturing at the globe with continents that looked so similar to the ones Steve was familiar with and yet so different at the same time. “Or she’s on her world but her energy signature is too faint to detect. She and I have been working on something to help me keep an eye on her while she’s over there, but it’s still in the early stages of development. It hasn’t exactly been a priority until now.”

Nat glared at Tony before turning to Steve. “So what’s the plan?”

Steve stared at the image of your world but it wasn’t hard to put together his thoughts. “We need to go find her. Physical or not, she won’t have much time if the . . .” Steve let out a deep breath before he could continue. “If the Dire Wraiths haven’t gotten to her yet.” He added in a whisper.

Behind him, Bucky let out a pained growl.

“We go.” Steve said, firmly. “And we convince her to come back.”

“What if she can’t?” Nat asked softly.

Steve shook his head. An almost unbearable flare of pain shot across his chest but he crushed it down as best he could. “We can’t think like that. But if it happens . . . we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We’ll figure something out. We always do.”

Bucky shifted slightly on his feet, unconvinced. 

Years ago he’d been triggered and you’d changed afterwards. You’d promised that you didn’t blame him and your words had rung with truth. But he’d felt. The deep searing pain that you’d tried to bury. It had never truly gone away either, just gotten easier for you to bear. He knew that too. But he’d seen you in your other world and he’d seen the dream that the Dire Wraiths were feeding you. You had your child there. Why on earth would you give that up? Even if it wasn’t real, it was a hell of a lot more than he’d ever be able to give you here.

A part of him hoped you’d stay.

A part of him begged you to come back.

A part of him just wanted it all to stop.

Absently, he wondered which part would win out.

Tony wandered to a cabinet in the corner oblivious to the war being waged in the people behind him. He came back with four bracelets. “I made a few extra after the last time she got stuck on her world just in case. I haven’t modified them beyond what you had last time. You can stay on that world as long as you want but it’s a one way ticket back home and I only have a few extra to spare if something goes wrong and you need to go back again. It’s better for everyone if you just get it right on the first try.”

Steve and Nat nodded while Bucky glanced at the bracelet’s in Tony’s hand with an idea blooming in the back of his mind. When Tony cleared his throat and glanced at him expectedly, Bucky’s head shot up and he nodded too. 

“Great.” Tony murmured.

Steve glanced between the two of them before he glanced at Nat. “Grab what you need to we leave in ten.”

Nat and Bucky nodded before they wandered off to grab their gear. Steve still had Bucky’s gun tucked in the back of his uniform and his shield was slung against his back. He had everything he needed. He just needed to make one stop first.

His feet took him to the medical bay instinctively and before he knew it, he was standing at the edge of your bed. You looked peaceful, lying there. If he turned off the thoughts rumbling through his head he could almost imagine that you weren’t dying right before his eyes. 

Steve sighed and leaned down, running a hand down the side of your head as he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “Hold on sweetheart. We’re coming for you. Just hold on.”

He straightened, took one last look at you and headed back for the lab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Bucky's getting terrible, horrible, no good very bad ideas. 
> 
> Any guesses as to what?


	6. Lost and Found

Bucky was the last to return to the lab. Steve glanced at the weaponry he had strapped to every inch of his body with a wary look. The gun he’d pried from Bucky’s fingers earlier seemed to be burning a hole in the back of his uniform and he was hesitant to let Bucky near any more knowing the state of mind his friend was in but Bucky’s marksman skills were next to none and Steve knew they needed him if they had any hope of getting you out of this alive.

Nat glanced at Bucky with a similar expression on her face but didn’t say anything as Bucky moved to stand next to them on the platform Tony was standing in front of. “We need to be quick.” She said, conversationally. “Cho says Y/N is fading faster than expected.”

Steve’s jaw ticked, but he nodded that he understood.

Bucky didn’t say anything but the grip on his semi-automatic tightened.

Tony glanced at all of them. “Ready?”

The three nodded and Tony returned the gesture.

“Bring her back.” He pushed the button.

A bright flash of light later and Steve once again found himself breathing the stale air of your dead world. He immediately fell into a crouching position, shield in front, as he took a second to orient himself. Beside him, Bucky and Nat fell into defensive positions as well. Three pairs of eyes scanned over the empty landscape before Nat spoke. “Where do we start?”

Steve glanced at Bucky but the Ex-Winter-Soldier wouldn’t meet his gaze as he continued scanning.

Steve sighed and closed his eyes as he focused on the broken shards of connection that still twinged with light every now and again. He felt your presence more strongly here than he had before but there was still something missing. It was like a compass that couldn’t pick a single direction, simply spinning round and round. 

“I can’t get a lock on her. You, Romanov?”

Nat rubbed at her chest but shook her head. “I’ve never been able to feel her like you two.”

Nat and Steve glanced at Bucky. His jaw was ticking as he scanned the area, keeping his gun propped against his shoulder, ready to fire at the first sign of disturbance.

“There.” He murmured gruffly, his eyes narrowing at a point just over the horizon. “We need to move fast.”

Steve and Nat didn’t argue as Bucky took off at a brisk pace. The two effortlessly kept up with him, all the while glancing around at the death and decay of the world lying around them.

“She’s from here?” Nat asked, horrified.

Steve nodded briskly. 

“What the hell happened?”

Bucky was the one to answer the question this time. “Dire Wraiths.” He grunted.

Nat quirked a brow. “What the hell is a Dire Wraith?”

“Not something we want to run into.” Steve said shortly. “So let’s make this fast. Buck? How close are we?”

Bucky shrugged a shoulder, concentrating on the connection between you that was starting to flicker just a little brighter. “Close.” He said.

Steve reached inside of himself and tried to find the same thread that Bucky was tracing. He could sense your presence, but he couldn’t figure out what direction it was coming from.

Bucky didn’t seem to have the same problem as he continued stalking forward at a rapid pace, quickly covering ground as he charged straight for the faintest pulses of you he could feel.

For almost twenty minutes, the three travelled in silence. Steve listened hard for the sounds of company. He wasn’t sure if it was more or less alarming that he heard nothing. Silently, he urged Bucky to move faster. Somehow, he just knew you didn’t have much time left.

Bucky stopped abruptly and raised a fist above his head, stopping Nat and Steve in their tracks.

“Barnes?” Nat asked quietly.

Bucky didn’t respond as he squatted down behind bushes and raised his scope to his eye. He looked down and his heart nearly stopped.

A flickering vision of you stood in the middle of an empty field. Surrounding you on all sides were dozens of Dire Wraiths, some half-shifted and they were all drawing closer and closer to you.

Without a conscious thought, Bucky fired several rounds, taking several out. The rest turned in the direction of their fallen comrades and with a horrifying screech descended on their corpses. 

Behind them, you staggered back a step and shook your head as though you were trying to clear it. “Sweetheart!” Steve yelled, charging through the bushes as he raced for you.

Confusion painted your face as you glanced up as though you didn’t recognize him. Steve’s heart stuttered in his chest, but a second later, your expression cleared. “Stevie!” You shouted, moving towards him.

Bucky’s heart clenched as he rose from the bushes, gun still pointing at the _things_ surrounding you. At the sound of your scream, the Dire Wraiths seemed to abandon their fallen comrades and as one, they turned to you.

Bucky was powerless to stop them as a pulse shot out from them and hit you in the chest. You stumbled to a stop, a glazed look coating your eyes as around you, the surviving monsters starting changing into people you knew. Tony, Nat, Clint, even Bucky and Steve were there. Bucky pushed to his feet and charged down the hill after Steve. 

He watched, horrified, as the last Dire Wraith morphed grotesquely into an innocent little boy with dark hair and blue eyes. He watched as you cocked your head and smiled, leaning down to stroke a hand through it’s hair. He watched as a tarsus unfolded from the child’s back and hung in the air for a split second before it shot forward, digging deep into your temple.

You stumbled back in shock, a pained gasp on your lips before you settled back with a peaceful, almost pleasured look on your face. Bucky heard Steve shout as around you, all the rest of the creatures followed suit. Bucky raised his gun and took aim, but his fingers shook on the trigger as doubts flooded his mind. Would it hurt you? Would it kill you?

A gun fired behind him, and a creature dropped, its tarsus yanking from your mind as it fell. You winced, but the glazed expression didn’t leave your gaze as the rest of the creatures continued feeding off the memories that made up your soul.

Bucky glanced at Nat, the smoking gun still held out in front of her, but she didn’t hesitate as she fired again.

Bucky swallowed hard and followed suit. 

Each time a creature died, you flinched as it’s tarsus was ripped from your form, but still you didn’t fight back.

A hollow pit was beginning to form in the center of Bucky’s chest, but he didn’t stop as he raced towards you. He was grateful to see Steve reach you first. Steve shouldered his shield as he reached for you, but your form flickered as his hands reached right through you.

“She doesn’t have a body!” Nat yelled from behind Bucky.

Steve cursed as he grabbed his shield and slammed it against one of the Dire Wraiths left standing.

“What the hell are we supposed to do then?” He yelled in frustration.

Bucky ignored him as he skid to a stop in front of you. None of the Dire Wraiths were touching you, but the glazed expression hadn’t left your face. “Shit, doll. What did they do to you?” He asked, trying to keep his panic at bay. There was a sinking feeling in his chest that you would never recover from whatever it was, but he tried not to let it affect him as he reached for you.

Just as with Steve, the second Bucky’s hand’s touched you, your form flickered and faded slightly. He immediately pulled his hands away. Bucky ignored the fighting behind him, trusting Steve and Nat to protect the both of you as he tried to figure out a way to bring you back. 

“Doll, can you hear me? Come on, baby, stay with me.”

Something flickered in your expression but faded just as fast. Still, it gave Bucky the barest flicker of hope and he clung to it with everything that he had.

“Doll, listen to me. I know what you saw and I know how much you want it to be real.” Bucky’s eyes glistened with tears as he pictured the face the Dire Wraiths had taken, the face that would have been your son in another life. Bucky’s hand reached up to brush your hair aside before he realized that he couldn’t. He clenched his fist and lowered it back to his side as he continued. “You don’t know how much I wish he could have been real, doll because he was beautiful. He had your smile. That damned smile that I’d do anything for. And I’m . . . doll, I’m so sorry I took that from you. You’ll never know our son and that’s on me. That’s something I’ll carry for the rest of my life, but doll, look at me.” Bucky waited until your unseeing eyes glanced in his direction and he swallowed hard. “Doll, he’s not real. None of this was real. He doesn’t exist.” Bucky swallowed hard again and delivered the hardest line of all. “He’s dead. I killed him.”

You flinched and pain radiated out of your fractured heart to such a degree that you were sure you were going to die but just like that, the spell holding you captive was broken.

You looked up at Bucky’s tear-streaked face and you felt the broken bond within you begin to heal as the two of you shared a pain that you’d never fully recover from.

“Bucky?” You asked.

Bucky smiled at you, a broken smile that you should have recognized for the warning it was, but you were too trapped in your own hell to notice.

“I never wanted you to know!” You cried out as broken bits of memories assaulted you. “I never wanted you to find out. I wanted to . . . I wanted to . . .” You gasped, struggling for air as everything hit you at once and your form flickered.

Bucky lunged for you, but his hands went right through you. “Doll, you have to let go now.” He urged. “Doll, just let go.”

You shook your head. “No. No, I can’t leave you. I can’t leave you here.” Panic welled up within you at the thought of leaving Bucky, your Bucky behind.

Bucky fumbled for his pocket and pulled out a bracelet, one you hadn’t seen in a long time. “It’s okay, doll. I’ll be okay. Stevie and Nat too. We’re right behind you. But you need to go. Your body isn’t going to last much longer without you in it.”

“My body . . .” You murmured, struggling to keep up against the raging emotions within you.

“Your body, doll. Please. You’re dying doll, and I can’t have that. Everything else will be fine but I need you to live.”

“Sweetheart!” Steve called from behind. “We need to go!”

You nodded and pushed to your feet while you did your best to ignore the feeling welling up within you that something wasn’t right. Something bad was about to happen . . .

“Go! Doll!” Bucky yelled.

You jumped, your form flickered once and you disappeared.

Steve and Nat didn’t hesitate to wrap their bracelets around their wrists and follow right behind.

Bucky swallowed hard as Steve’s form vanished and then he turned to the Dire Wraiths swarming across the field right towards him.

He held his arms open and he waited for death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason, okay! Theres' a reason I SWEAR!


	7. Convincing You

Your eyes flew open as your body gasped for air. Alarms were going off all around you as your body struggled to adapt to  _ life _ right after it had been so close to dying. You ignored all of it as you pushed out of bed. You collapsed to the floor as your legs gave out under you, but you ignored that too as you started pulling yourself across the floor. You needed to see your boys. You needed to hold them and to love them. Bucky especially. You  _ knew _ what he must have gone through when he found out. There was a damn reason you hadn’t ever wanted him to know.

You also needed to kick Steve’s ass because there was only one way Bucky could have found out and you sure as hell hadn’t told him.

But that could wait until you had held Bucky in your arms and kissed his tears away.

Footsteps pounded outside your room and before you could even think, strong familiar arms were wrapping around your waist, hosting you back up. “Sweetheart!” Steve’s voice was full of unshed tears as he clung tightly to your chest, but his weren’t the arms you needed.

“Bucky, where’s Bucky?” You gasped, still struggling to breath. Your heart pounded relentlessly in your chest as you struggled to make sense of the complex web of emotions running through you. You felt frazzled and frayed but there was one emotion front and center demanding attention. You needed to find Bucky and you needed to find him NOW.

“He’s not . . .” Steve started.

“He didn’t come back with us.” Natasha interrupted, an expressionless mask over her features. “He’s still on your world.”

“WHAT?!” You shoved out of Steve’s grip with a surprising amount of strength as your thoughts ran a million miles an hour. Bucky’s final words suddenly came rushing back to you. “ _ Everything else will be fine but I need you to live _ .” I need YOU to live. Not us.

“Oh no.” The chaos in your head and heart came to a slamming halt as one truth became clear. Bucky was going to kill himself. And he was going to use the Dire Wraiths to do it.

Without bothering to explain your knowledge to Steve or Natasha and without bothering to think of the consequences of teleporting on your already strained body, you focused inwards on that thread of  _ something _ that you’d always had with your rock and you yanked on it with everything you had.

It felt like dozens of knives were piercing your brain as you shot through all of time and space. You didn’t know how long it took to travel back to your world, it felt like an eternity, but as you collapsed to the ground in front of Bucky’s feet, you knew you’d made the right decision. Dire Wraiths were surrounding him on all sides and his hands were held out on either side of him like he was some kind of sacrificial offering. You screamed as you watched a few tarsus’ reach for him. You couldn’t have stopped yourself if you wanted to as you lunged for him, tackling him to the ground. Bucky only had enough time to grunt before you had pulled on the power that had brought to him in the first place and yanked the two of you across your world.

Once again, it felt like your skull was being ripped apart, and for a moment, you felt your grip on Bucky slip, but you dug deep within yourself and held it together just long enough to get to the relative safety of the same clinic you and Deadpool had hidden in the last time you’d been here.

Only then did you let Bucky go. You rolled to the side and coughed, ignoring the thick gobs of blood that spattered across the dingy tile as you did. You could feel the blood dripping from your nose too, but you wiped it away in frustration as you tried to stagger to your feet.

“Doll . . .” Bucky’s hands fluttered around you, a blind panic in his voice as he took in the sight of all that blood.

You shoved his hands away and used the examination bed to steady yourself as you pulled your thoughts together. “What. The. HELL. Where. You. Thinking.” You demanded in a voice low and threatening.

The painful reminder that your child was dead had nothing on the pain that ripped through you now at the betrayal of finding out Bucky would rather  _ die _ than be with you.

Bucky reached for you as your legs gave out again, and you collapsed against the bed, coughing up even more blood, but you shook your head and clung with even more determination to the cold metal frame.

“Doll . . .” Bucky’s voice was heartbroken as he was finally forced to face the enormity of his actions.

Tears blurred your vision and made macabre streaks down your face as they mixed with the blood you’d smeared haphazardly across your cheeks. “You were going to leave me? Just like that?”

Bucky couldn’t say anything as he took in your pathetic form. What was there to say?

“I thought . . .” You took a deep breath and finally gave up the fight to stay on your feet as you let yourself sink to the floor, leaning against the table. “I thought we had something, you know? I thought . . .” You chuckled darkly. “I thought it was ‘till the end of the line’.”

Bucky shook his head, and reached for you again, unable to help himself. He curled his fingers around your knees as you pulled them to your chest and begged you to understand. “How can you still want that after everything I’ve done?”

“What about everything I’ve done?! Huh?! What about that?!” You exploded.

Bucky shook his head, not understanding.

You deflated against the table. “I could have left, Buck. When they first started triggering you, you told me to leave and I could have but I didn’t. It’s  _ my _ fault I got hurt. Okay? Not yours. It’s  _ my _ fault our baby didn’t make it.”

Bucky shook his head adamantly as his hands reached up to wipe away your tears. “Doll . . . no.”

You nodded as your hands curled over his. “It’s my fault you're here, too. Every damn time you end up here it’s my damn fault. I know what you’ve seen here, Bucky. I know what this world does to you.” Just like that, you finally understood. Your voice was breathy as you voiced your epiphany out loud. “That’s why you . . . I made you want to leave.”

“What?! No! Doll! No! Never! It’s never been you.” Bucky shook your shoulders, desperate to get you to understand and terrified that you wouldn’t. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. The only light in my life. The only thing worth living for. I’ve never thought that you were a monster. I know what you’ve been through. I know what you’ve had to fight for. You’re my world, doll, how can you ever think anything different?”

Your hands reached up to cup his face. Your thumbs left traces of your blood against his skin as tears once again blinded you against the beauty of the man you’d fallen in love with time and time again. “How could you think that I’ve ever felt any different about you?” You choked out.

Bucky’s eyes squeezed shut as you brushed against the connection that burned within both of your chests. A wave of sensations moved along the connection, changing it, strengthening it, and then it hit Bucky and he felt the overwhelming sense of love that you had for him and he knew. You’d never once blamed him for the death of your baby because there was nothing to blame him for.

Bucky’s eyes watered as he looked down at you. “I need you in my life, Barnes.” You murmured, your eyes pleading with him. “Please don’t leave me now.”

Bucky let out a shuddering breath and chose in that moment to let the rest of it go. He chose to let the past go and for the first time, focus wholly on the future. In your eyes, he saw the forgiveness he’d been chasing for over seventy years and he finally let himself believe in it. 

He kissed you gently on the forehead before he reached into his pocket and pulled out the two bracelets he still had. He slipped one on your wrist and activated it, sending you back home before he took one last look around the room that had changed his life, and he followed after you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fixed, see? It's fixed. It's aaaaaall fine. XD


	8. Endings, Beginnings

Bucky had you swept up in his arms the second his feet landed on the platform in Stark’s labs. Your breaths sounded wet as Bucky raced you towards medbay. He kissed your forehead. “Come on doll, stay with me now.”

You grinned, though it may have seemed like more of a grimace. Everything hurt, but you fought against blackness that threatened to swallow you, terrified that if you closed your eyes, Bucky would disappear forever.

“Not goin’ anywhere, Sarge.” You mumbled.

Bucky smiled grimly as he rounded the corner and raced into the medbay. Steve and Nat jumped to their feet where they were talking quietly in the corner. Nat took one look at your bloodstained form and ran out of the room to find Dr. Cho.

Steve moved towards your side as Bucky laid you down on the bed you’d been in earlier. Both of your boys grabbed one of your hands and stared down at you with worry in their eyes. “I’ll be okay.” You coughed, spitting blood down the front of your shirt.

Steve glanced at Bucky in a blind panic. “What happened?” He demanded.

Bucky shook his head. “I think she just strained herself.”

“Who’s fault is that?” Steve muttered passive aggressively. You pulled your hand out of his grasp and pointed at him with an accusing finger.

“Yours.” You glared at him with a pointed expression on your face that left no secret as to what you were thinking. Steve’s eyes flicked guiltily to your flat stomach before he met your eyes again.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He murmured, pain written across his face. He glanced at Bucky. “I’m so sorry.”

Bucky glanced at Steve for a long minute before he nodded his head. Despite everything he’d been through as a result, he knew in his head that Steve hadn’t meant to be so careless. “You never were able to keep a secret, punk.”

Steve tried to smile as Dr. Cho rushed into the room and brushed him aside. “Get her into the scanner. I need to assess the damage.”

Bucky quickly lifted you towards the table that Dr. Cho pointed at. He made to move away, but before he could, you grabbed at his hand. “Stay?” You whispered, begged more accurately.

Bucky smiled softly at you before he reached down and brought your hand to his lips. “Forever.” He promised.

You smiled and let Bucky and Steve be herded away from you as Dr. Cho quickly started checking you over.

Steve glanced at Bucky out of the corner of his eye. “For what it’s worth, Buck, I really am sorry.” He murmured regretfully.

Bucky sighed and glanced down at his folded arms, still wet with your blood. “Would you have ever told me?” He asked.

Steve sighed and glanced back at you as Helen injected something into your veins. Your eyes fluttered shut and your breathing evened out before Helen gestured for her techs to wheel you away. “She didn’t want me to.” He started. “And I agreed with her.”

Bucky nodded in thought for a minute. “When did you find out?”

“A year after the fact. I followed her to the grave.”

Bucky’s fist clenched. “There’s a grave?” He choked out.

Steve reached over and squeezed his shoulder gently. “I’ll take you. Whenever you’d like to go, pal.”

Bucky nodded to himself. Before he turned and focused back on you.

It took almost an hour before Dr. Cho approached your boys with news. “How is she, Doc?” Steve asked, a weariness in his voice that hadn’t been there a day ago.

Helen looked grim as she checked over her notes on her tablet. “Physically, she’s fine. She was suffering from over exhaustion and strain, nothing plenty of rest can’t solve. We cleared her lungs of blood and is breathing easier now and preliminary scans don’t show any lasting damage.”

“But?” Bucky prompted, his fists tightening as a bad feeling shot through him.

Dr. Cho glanced up and blinked slowly as she tried to find the right words. “But . . . her brain scans are showing some anomalies . . .” The rest of her words faded into the background as the roaring of his own heart suddenly flooded Bucky’s ears.

He couldn’t lose you. Not now. Not ever. You were his light in this life and one of the few things that gave him hope. You  _ were _ his future. He needed you. 

“Buck? Bucky? Hey, come on, jerk. Come back to me.” Steve’s voice echoed around him oddly.

Bucky turned to Steve who was glancing at him worriedly. “Come back to me.” He said.

Bucky fought to pull himself back to the present. “She’ll be okay?” He gasped, needing the answer to be ‘yes’.

Steve glanced at Dr. Cho who was observing Bucky with worry. She nodded. “Her frontal lobe is showing the same kind of trauma that scans of your brain show, Sergeant.”

“What does that  _ mean. _ ” Bucky insisted.

Dr. Cho smiled at him with a sad sort of understanding. “The Frontal Lobe does a number of things but based on my preliminary findings, I suspect the part’s showing trauma are the parts that control long term memory. I suspect there will be things about her past, perhaps even your shared past that she never remembers.”

Bucky stumbled towards one of the chairs and sat heavily in it. You were fine. You would be fine. But . . . 

“Thanks, doc.” Steve murmured quietly. 

Dr. Cho nodded. “I’ll forward her scans to Shuri in Wakanda. Perhaps there will be more she can do. I know she’s been researching the mind and memories in particular. In the meantime, the sedatives I gave Y/N will be wearing off soon. You’re more than welcome to wait here with her.”

Steve nodded in thanks and glanced at you, still lying on the bed, before he turned and headed for Bucky. Steve’s own heart clenched in his chest at the thought that you might not remember all the moments you’d shared together that had changed his life for the better. But you were okay, he just needed to hold on to that.

Steve moved to Bucky’s side and sat beside him. Bucky’s elbows were braced against his knees, his face hidden behind his hands. “She . . .”

“She’s alive, Buck.” Steve reminded him gently.

“The Dire Wraiths . . .”

“Didn’t erase us.” Steve said confidently even as he shuddered against his own memory of the Dire Wraiths with their tarsus’ sticking through your head.

Bucky finally looked up as he glanced at Steve with disbelief burning brightly in his eyes. “How can you know that?” He asked, breathlessly.

Steve glanced at his oldest friend in the world, the person he’d hurt the most with his carelessness, the person he’d almost lost twice already today. “Because she’s gone to the ends of the Earth for us before and I know she’d do it again. Besides, she saved your ass, didn’t she? She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t remember you. If she didn’t  _ love _ you.”

Bucky nodded to himself and let Steve’s words wash over him, bringing him the comfort he so desperately needed. Steve was right. Whatever memories had been taken from you; the Dire Wraiths hadn’t taken him away from you and they never would. He was yours, body and soul. That could never change.

Bucky glanced over at you as he clasped a hand over Steve’s shoulder. “Come on, punk.” He said, pushing to his feet and heading for you. Steve followed behind him. “Just let me do the talking, huh? She was spitting mad at you.”

Steve grimaced and rubbed the back of his neck. “You think she’ll forgive me anytime soon?”

A feral smile crossed Bucky’s lips as he thought about it. “Maybe.” He started. Steve’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Though we might need to revoke girlfriend privileges first.”

Steve gapped like a fish in horror.

“Girlfriend privileges?” A groggy voice asked from the bed.

Steve and Bucky turned to you as you tried pushing yourself into a seating position. Bucky quickly grasped your elbow to help you. You smiled up at him like he’d hung the stars and his heart skipped a beat entirely.

He swallowed. “Yeah, doll. Girlfriend privileges. You remember?”

You shook your head very slowly, a confused look on your face. Bucky swallowed back a grimace, but his face smoothed out quickly. You remembered him and how much you loved him. The rest of it, he could remember for the both of you. “Well you see, it all started . . .”

By the end of the story, a broad smile was painted on your face. Bucky couldn’t help but smile too as he laid next to you on your hospital bed. You shifted so your cheek was lying against his chest. You mock-glared down at the foot of the bed where Steve was doing his best not to make eye contact. 

“Loved the story, baby.” You murmured, rubbing your hand across Bucky’s abs. He couldn’t see it, but your smile turned positively evil as you looked at Steve.

Steve paled.

“I think we should reenact it. Make sure the memory really  _ sticks _ this time.”

A matching smile grew across Bucky’s face. “I don’t know, doll. Losing girlfriend privileges is one thing, but do you really think that’s enough  _ suffering _ ?”

Steve shot Bucky a glare that threatened death.

Bucky winked.

“You’re right baby.” You cooed, leaning up to press your lips gently against Bucky’s. “Don’t you think so too, Nat?”

The two soldier’s whipped their heads towards the doorway in unison, surprised to see the assassin standing there. They hadn’t heard her come in.

Nat glanced over you with a careful eye and you smiled at her softly knowing that she was just worried about you. ‘I’m fine.’ You mouthed towards her. Her glare only narrowed. ‘You always say that.’ She mouthed back.

You just smirked. You flicked your eyes down towards Steve and another smile coated her lips.

“You make a good point, Barnes.” Nat decided, pulling a knife out of nowhere and flipping it with a dangerous glint in her eyes. “Lucky for you, I know just what he needs.”

“Oh?” You asked innocently, playing along.

Nat smiled and nodded. “Seems Lucky got out of Clint’s apartment again. Some rookie scared him and he had a few . . . accidents . . . all over the tower. Tony was looking for someone to clean it up.”

“Lucky?” Steve grimaced. “The dog?”

“The one and only.” You sing-songed. “You should probably get on that before the smell really sets in.”

Steve bowed his head but accepted his fate with grace. He pushed to his feet and moved to your side, leaning over Bucky so he could press a kiss to your forehead. “I really am sorry, sweetheart.” He murmured, tracing your cheek with his thumb.

You nodded sadly. “I know you are, Steve.” You murmured. “But I think I’m still going to need some time.”

Steve’s eyes crinkled in regret, but he nodded anyway as he walked away and followed Nat out the door.

As soon as he was gone, Bucky pulled you further into his embrace. “You going to punish him for long?” He asked.

You sighed and thought about it for a second before you shook your head. “I love him just as much as I love you. Dumbassery and all.”

Bucky chuckled and you let the rumbling of his chest soothe your frazzled nerves. “Doesn’t mean we can’t torture him for awhile first.” You said slyly.

Bucky froze under you and smiled again. “What do you have in mind?”

“Depends.” You answered, glancing up at him. “What else have we done to him in the past?”

“Well . . .” Bucky started. “There was this one time . . .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe. Well that's what you get, Steven. Try not to piss me . . . I mean, reader . . . off next time. XD
> 
> We only have the epilogue left! I'll be posting it tonight, so watch out for that. Hope you're ready for some true-blue-through-and-through fluff!


	9. Epilogue

Steve and Bucky were due back any minute and you waited anxiously for them. You hated when they left on missions without you. No matter how many years passed, you would never feel right if you weren’t by their sides ready to bail them out of danger. Why? Because they were dumbasses and needed all the help they could get. You’d tried to point out as much when they’d left, but Steve had chuckled and Bucky had gently led you back to bed and promised they’d be safe. You’d grudgingly agreed to stay but only because you were pretty sure the team wouldn’t be thrilled if they ended up with your stomach’s insides on their outsides.

Damn your stomach bug.

Of course, that had been three days ago.

A lot could change in three days.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. It didn’t work. Your anxiety was riding you hard. You needed your boys with you.

Luckily for you, you didn’t have to wait too long.

The door to the apartment swung open and Steve and Bucky stepped in, smiles on their faces as they joked about one of Peter’s latest mishaps. A smile brushed across your lips as it always did when you saw your boys joking together but it faded as the reality of the situation came crashing back down around you.

Bucky stopped speaking mid-sentence as your anxiety slammed into him through the bond. It had been stronger than ever since the two of you had saved each other from the demons in your own heads a few months ago. It didn't hurt that you’d been able to do a whole hell of a lot of couples bonding exercises as you taunted Steve with his lack of girlfriend privileges. Steve had had blue balls for weeks. You’d enjoyed every evil moment of it.

Bucky swung to you with a wild look in his eyes, instinctively grasping his chest where panic was stirring. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?”

Steve immediately fell into defensive position as he swept his eyes through the room, ready to take out anyone who shouldn’t be there.

You chuckled, though it came out sounding choked. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

Steve’s fists clenched at his sides. “You only say that when something’s wrong.” He pointed out.

Bucky’s eyes narrowed on your face.

You shook your head quickly. Too quickly. Bucky took a threatening step forward. “Doll.” His voice held a tone of warning.

You glanced down at your lap where your hands were curled over a stick that was facing down.

Bucky and Steve’s eyes followed your line of sight and Bucky gasped. “Doll?” He asked, a strange kind of hope in his voice.

You glanced up. “I’m too afraid to check it.” You admitted.

Steve and Bucky were by your side in the next second. They kneeled on either side of you and reached for your hands. “One of you check.” You begged breathlessly.

Steve glanced at Bucky with a pale face. Bucky clenched his fist before he slowly reached out a hand and picked the stick out of your lap. He was well aware of both your eyes and Steve’s eyes glued to his face as time seemed to slow and he twisted the stick upright.

His eyes filled with tears and you let out a choked laugh as tears started streaming down your own face as you read whatever was written on his. “Yeah?” You asked, pulling your hands out of their clutches so you could wipe at your tears.

Bucky nodded and swept in to claim you in a burning kiss as Steve pulled the pregnancy test of Bucky’s hands to read it himself.

“We’re having a baby? I . . . I thought you couldn’t . . .”

You laughed again, a mix of shock and hope coloring it before you shrugged. “I didn’t think I could.” You admitted.

“What do we make of this then?” Steve asked, a huge grin building on his face.

“It’s a miracle.” Bucky decided. “Just like the three of us.”

He leaned in to kiss you again before Steve brushed him aside and did the same. You clung to both of them and let the happy tears trickle down your cheeks. It had been a long road, but you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

These were your boys, this was your baby. 

You were home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! We did it! :D Glad you guys could come along. And didn't I keep my promises? Aaaaaaall fixed. XD
> 
> I think that this is going to be it for this series. It's been fun writing these characters and the relationships between them, but I'm also excited to get started on other things. 
> 
> Since I really ruined lives with the heavy angst this time around, I do have another fluffy one-shot coming out soon. So watch for that.
> 
> If you REALLY like angst, check out Angel in Blue. It's a Tony/Reader that goes from Iron Man 3 through to endgame. I took a break for Christmas but it's about time to start that one back up again.
> 
> Thanks everyone for reading and for being a part of this! I love writing, but it's so much more fun when I get to read your comments and interact with you guys while I do it.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooooooooooooooo before you get too mad at me, just remember, y'all were the ones who wanted Bucky to find out. XD


End file.
